My grandpa gave me my first shotgun, and taught me how to use it.  He both hunted and fished, and did well in terms of bringing home the game would coach us to never kill unless we ate our kill.  When squirrel hunting he would keep moving yet sit me down at the base of a tree and tell me to be very quiet and to look with “soft eyes”.  used to tell me to look at the patterns not the form.  The healthy eye constantly moves, and the puritans called this the the “shifty eyed”.  We all are indigenous here.

Continue reading “Seeing with soft eyes”

Many best selling books have been written about being in the present and seeing things clearly, yet not a lot about how to practice this.  In our home is a small ping-pong table  that Mandi and I have used for years.  I also use it in my classes to teach mindfulness and tracking.  I practic

e using both hands.  Learning to drum requires finding a center where both sides can work independently and interdependently.  I have played hitting every other shot with my off side, thus doing something physical to restore me to sanity(balance).  In indigenous cultures walking in balance is walking in sanity, as sanity is defined as balance.

In Toltec teachings, tracking is a way to release barriers to our freedom of choice: “to see or not to see” is the question.  When I have the courage to stay with the ball all of the time, I am practicing another kind of mindfulness.  In my 500 hours of post graduate studies in play therapy and addiction, I learned so much about myself that was so much deeper than using pen and word, ie steps four and five.  An inventory is a balance of positive and negative, and successful business have a bit more income flowing in than going out.  When we apply these principals in “all of our affairs”, we are feeding the white wolf more than the black wolf, and a balance is ideal. 

To appreciate you is to elevate your value.  In AA, they told me they would love me until I could love myself. 

Little Jasmine is caught in the spell of  “victim”  consciousness inflicted by predatory women, and as with most “pride blinded” is blinded to the truth.  Jasmine won’t look me in the eye.  Carried shame runs deep in addicts/alcoholics who “use” their children,  and still practicing black magic, who take the path of self destruction. and are so self absorbed that they think only in terms of win/lose. I now have healthy women in my life who can model real and authentic.  In facing my demons inside and “hitting bottom” in my addiction to alcohol, I was able to build on a solid foundation.

I thank my God for the real and authentic friends – those precious few that lighten my burdens!  “Don’t hear the words, listen to the music”

Jan 1, 2017

On my north facing wall hangs a painting of four horses and riders and a drum I made with a white buffalo painted on .  Drum artist Rose did the artwork.  This was a collaboration of drum maker and artist – crafts and art.  I have come to know the truth of the Mayan cosmology that time is art.    Continue reading “” Winter – The North and the White Buffalo””

My many teachers in 12 step recovery (when I was ready to learn) reminded me that I am to share my experience, strength and hope with others.  I learned the importance of speaking from the eye or “I”.  This takes courage to first “own” what I project on others, and discern what are my barriers to love and to release what others think or feel about me.  This is a difficult think for co-dependents.  What can I change and what are the things I cannot change. 

The “shame spiral” comes from more than 100% responsibility for creating my reality..  Victim conscious is blaming others for your feelings.  The inclusion of  you (We) requires your permission.  When you reach out, I am able to “Lend a hand” and  respond with caring, and share my story – what I was like, what happened and what I am like now.  I have never experienced selfless caring and sharing like this until 12 step meetings.  I learned that in order to keep what I have, I must share my story (which changes each time I tell it).  People learn from others experience, and rarely from their opinions. In Seneca sweat lodges, an elder told me that we go in the lodge to burn away the “rust” (beliefs, opinions) that seperate me from Creator and my brothers and sisters.

In early recovery, It is important to have cover (anonymous), which helps us feel safe enough to first feel and then let go and let spirit lift the trauma from physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse. Repairing the wreckage of the past are addressed in 12 step recovery in steps four through nine.  In my years of carrying a pipe in the altar of another, I help introduce “Ways to Be” (reprinted on our site), and stressed the importance of transparency and “staying current” with 

those you love and who love you.  (Our spiritual community).  Gossip, secret keeping,  and taking others inventory is separating and sabotages functional community.  Perfection is a mark I may never achieve, yet I must aim for it.  When I am true to myself, I can hook my dream to a star and aim for the courage to actualize my full potential here on earth.  The brave – those who have the courage to change the things they can have true freedom – like the eagle, who soars above us reminding us of the solitary journey to face my “demons”. 

As i have, by the grace of Great Spirit, or those who dreamed me, learned,  the importance of the inward journey into the shadow self.  Joseph Campbell calls this “The Hero or Heroines Journey” into the fears and through to the other side.  On the third day on a hill on my Vision Quest, I went through a portal.  Many in recovery know this amazing joy that comes from releasing the shame, guilt and tears that have frozen me in fear.  I have found my church, and it is sitting on the earth in a hazelnut structure called a sweat lodge or sweat house where I can awaken to my true, real and authentic nature.  I  prepared for my Vision Quest by many years of working the steps and helping others work them and “walking around the wheel”.  When we can release the “needs” and “wants” and trust spirit to provide.  I need only to reclaim my own wholeness, take loving care of myself and to repair the wreckage of my past (and avoid new wreckage).  The Red Road and the 12 steps are the road less traveled, and require clearing the shame, guilt and grief with both ourselves and others whom we have harmed.  We are all relatives.  The purges and portals of a  Inipi, Native American Church or yage Ceremony involves releasing the poisons of resentments and held  anger, rage and resentments to the stone people.  This helps bring our lost souls back home to our hearts.

As we move into the shortest days approaching Winter Solstice, may we remember the return of the light rather than dwell in the darkness.  In my bear creek sweat lodge, I have room for about 15 bodies, and can only say for sure that I intend to be there to pray.  I hold this as a personal lodge, which means it is for my own connection with my essence and then for my family and friends and those on a spiritual path who are willing to go to any length and let go absolutely of victim consciousness.  Change often means leaving the old ways behind just as the eaglet leaps from the nest.  When I get my ego out of the way, spirit can work through me.  This is the “hollow bone” that Frank Fools Crow and other great spiritual leaders refer to.  In my Sunday night meditation group, we read the Saint Francis prayer. The prayer asks us to listen with our hearts ear and to speak from our heart.  Together, we can heal and release our grief and tears and make space for the joy and light to return. 

In sweat lodges, I remember and feel safe enough in the cocoon of mothers belly  to once again remember who I am and who you are.  The darker the shadow, the brighter the light.  In this solstice season, may you find your inner light and let that shine!  In feeling, we heal.    Blessings, Patrick, Mandi and my Heartspace family.

I have grown to appreciate rather than dread this time of year.  The “return of the light” is a wonderful metaphor for the true meaning of Christmas – giving our presence to those we love, our extended family and friends.  This is the true meaning of the season.   Continue reading “The Winter Solstice”

I have learned many lessons from people from all cultures, and I never know where the guidance and wisdom will come from – sometimes from the most unlikely sources.  We all have to walk that lonely walk around the wheel to first complete our own wholeness.  My Native American teachers as well as other wise ones have advised me to take the best and leave the rest,  stay in my heart, and the spirits will be there.    Continue reading ““You Have To Do It By Yourself, And You Can’t Do It Alone””

My 76th birthday was Friday.  I sensed that Mandi was planning a surprise, but had no more information.  She asked me to drive to West Linn, a suburb of Portland to a “restaurant”, and gave me an address, so I googled the address and it was a large structure with no signs.  As we entered, I could hear a drum and singing from above. Continue reading “Opening to recieve”

Our drums have few if any knots.  I cut one continuous strand of lacing and finish off my drums with loops and passing the end of my lacing through the loops, pulling tight to finish off the drum.  Drums can teach us so much if we learn to work with the spirit of that animal and tree.  The western mind isn’t trained in those ways, and how to approach the drum as your teacher, you as a student with an empty cup.  I love making drums.  In indigenous perceptions and cosmology, every thing is connected with everything else and your pain is my pain as your joy is my joy.  We are all shards of glass from the broken mirror, and spend our lives attempting to put the mirror back together again.  Most every spiritual teachers I have known are very humble people. Continue reading “Ease and Grace”